Dear Annie: If adult children avoid contact with their parents, thereâs a reason

Dear Annie: I’m stunned by the number of letters to advice columns from parents who gave their children everything and are devastated that their adult children refuse or limit contact with them. I can understand their disappointment and loneliness; it must be painful.

There are people who believe that adult children are responsible for their aging parents’ happiness. They feel entitled to time, attention and a sense of human connection from their grown children, but it’s not a realistic expectation. We’re each responsible for our own vitality, joy and sense of connection.

Adults who want close relationships with their parents put in the time and effort. If adult children avoid contact with their parents, there’s a reason; there’s some kind of disconnection. Parents and adult children need to accept responsibility for the part they play in relationship troubles and be willing to make amends and make changes.

Clinging to the narrative that you did everything for your children and they should now comply with your expectations for the relationship won’t help to heal the disconnection.

If you’re wondering, I have two middle-aged children and several “bonus children” who are estranged from their parents. I’m old, sick and extremely grateful that they all keep showing up here voluntarily. — Family Therapist

Dear Family Therapist: Yes, if you want a close relationship with your children, or really anyone for that matter — spouse, friend, sibling, etc. — you have to put in the work and effort. We get out what we put in. Thank you for your letter.

Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].